Deer in the headlights

That's exactly how I have been feeling recently, I looked into the light and suddenly found myself frozen in my path not knowing where I was going or at what I was supposed to be doing? It's not fear or insecurity but, rather just an emptiness, like slowly slipping into into an abyss, a void or black hole. Every effort I make seems to lose it's structure and start slowly melting like butter on a hot day. I had plans, concrete ones, and then they were shattered, and so I made new plans, based mostly on faith and a belief in the possibility that I might just get a break. These plans began to seem more and more unrealistic and so I regrouped and began to assemble the bits and pieces of what I had left and, like a Lego set created the simplest of ideas that covered everything I could possibly handle. This has also turned into the most fragile of hopes I could imagine. What to do next? I could just stand here and stare into the light and wait for the shot I guess? I know though that I must move but, where? in what direction? what am I running into? Running into things that don't agree is something I would love to avoid for a while. When I arrived in Cape Town I felt so privileged and honoured to be living here. It is the beauty and easy access to everything. There seems to be a wealth of opportunity to explore and ideal for a person in my situation. Art and photography are the interests and activities I want to explore and enjoy more than anything else. I Have taken so many picture and studied and researched so many ways to improve my quality. I had 11 photos developed recently and had them mounted with boarders placed around them so they are prepared for framing. When they were ready I picked them up from the framers and had them in my car with me. I happened to meet with someone I knew and decided to show them. The person bought five of the eleven outright. It covered my cost and made a little profit and still have 6 left to sell. So why can't I just do this full time. Why cant I do what I love to do? Surely doing something one loves to do with passion and talent can survive off it? NO, here I am working 12 hours a day, 6 to 7 days a week on my knees on a construction site, breathing in the dusty chalky air, with echoing loud voices bouncing off the walls interrupted by the piercing, ripping din of grinders, drills and an assortment of power tools. Don't get me wrong please, I sometimes stand back and look at my work and feel a real sense of accomplishment. However, once I have managed to claw my way through the day on pain meds and sheer tenacity, I get home only to have to suffer a night of sleepless restless pain and anguish. It sounds dramatic, but I cannot explain otherwise what this is doing to me. My body aches from my feet to my knuckles in my fingers. I want to get a surgical knife and remove the demon that lives in a little corner of my gut. The nausea is just not enough to be relieved by a good vomiting release, only present enough to feel like you are drifting in a dingy on a gentle swaying swell. I leopard crawl though my bedding the entire night as if I have an enemy standing within meters of the killing zone, sweating and struggling to breath. At 5am I get up and have to first sit on my bed with my feet on the floor, to gather myself and then slowly check if everything will slot into the right position, and then the violent coughing, dry hacking, heaving coughing that makes my eyes and veins in my neck want to explode, white lights jump and spin in my crumpled vision until the lungs have released there precious content. The dark green thick mucus which is obviously from and infection deep within the lungs is almost a relief, because until it is rejected the coughing goes on. Move around a bit, get loose, take a few deep breaths, eat a little, just enough to take my medication but not so that the nausea and stomach will react to. Two Myprodols and off we go. A few more pain tablets through the day to get through the day and once home begin the agonising experience all over again, maybe I won't sweat as much tonight? maybe a shouldn't eat, then I wont feel so nauseas? Perhaps if I get into bed early and just read I will simply nod off and wake up at sunrise? Perhaps? Had to go to hospital today to have a Gastroscopy done. This is a method of inserting a camera down the oesophagus to inspect the inside of the stomach. Not pleasant at all, but does not last long. The result, Gastric reflux disease (G.E.R.D) and Gastritis. Just something more to have to deal with, but hey you would never know if you met me. I will do everything possible to keep it all to myself, I will put on my best tough guy attitude, I don't want you to think that this is going to be a problem, I will do your job for you and try not to let you down. If I just closed my eyes for a while to let my eyes adjust to the dark, perhaps when I open them again I will be able to see the way? but can I afford to take the chance and stand still and be calm for a bit or is there something sinister waiting behind the light?